There are some days that I think I have a kick me sign on my back. I keep glancing over my shoulder, just knowing that it is there! I have come to the realization that it is actually just invisible to me...but trust me, plenty of people see it!
It actually started in elementary school. Growing up with a single mother, supermom, but single none the less. We were poor, although mom worked 2 to 3 menial jobs at any given time. She did what she could do with assistance from the state. I remember the first time I was tormented in school. I was in the fourth grade...and apparently while the state thought that shoes were a necessity, socks were not. So yeah...I was teased, talked about, picked on, the whole nine yards.
As time passed, I became more and more shy. By the time I reached middle school, or junior high as it was known back in the day. My mom had remarried, and while things slightly improved, they were far from perfect. Mom was always there with words of wisdom. encouragement and love. The most important things a parent could give....but somewhere along the way, I never gain self confidence. I was an awkward young girl. I blushed easily and did what I could to avoided any attention. Being teased at the bus-stop one day, I finally struck back...I mean that literally. I shoved my umbrella up a boy's nose. I didn't mean for that to happen. I didn't even intend to hit him with it. I had just had enough. It was supposed to be a warning for him to back up off of me! I felt horrible about it, and still do, even though he obviously survived. I was then targeted for this, I couldn't win for losing. There were kids that thought I should be ashamed of myself, and made it their goal to make sure that I was. Didn't need it but thanks anyway!
By the time I reached high school, financially my parents were just above the poverty line. That was a huge improvement. Still they had to watch what they spent and had little extra. I had asked them if I could try out for the color guard my first year in high school. It was quite expensive and I was pushing my luck wanting to do it. Never the less, my parents agreed. I should have realized it was a bad idea when the shoes that I needed for my "Friday Suit" were ridiculous in price. Mom found some at a discount shoe store and that is what she could afford...so that is what I got. They were the black and white saddle oxfords alright, but instead of the thin, tan, leather soles, these had thick, white, rubber soles. Yep, you guessed it...the ridicule commenced!
Being an adult is a lot less challanging. People are more sensitive.... or better at talking behind others backs. It helps that I never leave the house! I am living in my own little world and it is a nice place to be at times. Sure...I get lonely...but even the most popular people do. I understand now that the damage done to me by my school aged peers have made me the person that I am today. Some people love me and truly get me, others, not so much. Either way, I am cool with that...and my mother is my hero.